Meet our Case Managers!

Katie & Symone: Modern-Day Miracle Workers

Our clients get to know these two people perhaps more than any other staff during their time at the Shelter. They work in the same little office, spend lots of time completing similar tasks, and miss each other dreadfully if one happens to be sick or on vacation! They are absolutely, positively incredible and we couldn’t do our work everyday without them. We’d like to introduce you to two of our rock stars: Katie & Symone! Check out their interview below:

1) Please start by giving an overview of your time and roles here at the HER Shelter.

Katie – I have been at The H.E.R. shelter for about 2.5 years as a family case manager. My primary goal is to connect our clients with resources and services to increase self-sufficiency. I work from an empowerment approach where we focus on individual’s strengths and creativity to promote healthy and safe outcomes for the family.

Symone – I  have been working with the  HER shelter  for  almost  2  and half years.  I started off as a Mobile Crisis Coordinator then  transitioned  into  a case manager.

2) Can you describe what you think about everyday as you drive to work? 

Katie – I think about all the things. I think about my family, my future and of course, where I am going to get my next cup of coffee!

Symone – Every day that I drive to work I think about how I am impacting others and helping others to see the light through the tunnel that they thought they would never be able to reach.

3) This can be challenging and emotional work, how do you cope with the stress and the emotional toll that sometimes threatens to go home with you? 

Katie – I learned early on the importance of separating work from home. When I am at home, I focus all my attention into investing in my loved ones and myself and not letting any stress of the job interfere with my personal life. I also make a point to exercise at least three times a week and listen to music in my down time.

Symone – I try to do some activities that I really enjoy such as listening to music, painting and retail therapy.

4) During your time at the HER Shelter, is there a particularly mistake you made that you think you learned the most from?

Katie – One mistake I have made was setting my own expectations for some of our clients without taking into consideration their level of readiness or motivation to change. When I was new to this work, I wanted every single one of my clients to break barriers and succeed in every part of their life. What I did not realize was that we serve clients from all walks of life and who are at different stages of life. I learned that I have to meet the client where THEY are in life and gauge what intervention is most appropriate to meet their needs. I respect our client’s right to self-determination and continue to support them in their own decisions.

5) When you were a kid, was this the type of work you imagined yourself doing? If not, what other career paths were you interested in pursuing? 

Katie – As a child, I always knew I wanted to work closely with people and helping those in need. I never could imagine exactly what I wanted to do because I was interested in so many different subjects. I like to think that this work found me in a sense; in my undergraduate career, I experienced discrimination in many forms and I noticed some of my peers going through similar experiences whether it be for their race, gender, or orientation. I felt called to speak against it in any way possible. Today, I am proud to say that I am an advocate for all and I am hopeful for a more promising future for young men and women growing free of violence and intolerance.

Symone – As a kid I knew that I always wanted to be in the helping profession field. I always thought that I wanted to be a nurse however, my sophomore year in college I decided to change my major to Human Services because I felt that this career would be more awarding for me working with populations that are really in need.

6) In what ways do the mission and vision of the HER Shelter resonate with you on a personal level? 

Katie – I have always been a peacekeeper. I also feel a great responsibility to help those in need and make sure they are given all of the opportunities they deserve.

7) Is there a particular story or moment of success that has stuck with you and encouraged you over the years? 

Katie – My favorite moments are when our clients first come into shelter and they are finally able to just breathe. You can actually see the physical change in some of our client’s posture and demeanor because they may no longer be in fear.  Our goal is to foster a safe and welcoming environment for clients to feel comfortable. Being able to see this is rewarding enough and encourages me to keep doing what I do.

Symone – Everyday that I come into work and get to help someone who might have completely lost hope on life – everyday I help see success.

8) If you could summarize your work in a word, what would it be? 

Katie – Persistence. 

Symone – Puzzle. 

9) If you were to give advice to a young person interested in work like this, what would be your top tips? 

Katie – Don’t think that you are not cut out for this type of  work because it is not something that was learned in school .  There is no wrong or right way to be an advocate.

Symone – Stay focused on the end goal, whatever that may be. You will always find a way to do what needs to be done if you know your WHY.

10) In a few sentences, how would you summarize yourself? Who is Katie? Who is Symone?

Katie – My favorite role in life is as an auntie. Then there is the coffee-loving, dog-obsessed, feminist who wants to save the world from intolerance and hatred. 

Symone – Symone is a 24 year-old lady who is smart, caring, and funny. 

11) Morning person or evening person? Why? 

Katie – Evening person. My coffee needs to kick in before I can be the least bit productive. 

Symone – Definitely an evening person. I have never been a morning person ever since I was little. 

12) When life gives you lemons, what do you do? 

Katie – Make lemon and cucumber-infused water because hydration is key! 

Symone – Make lemonade and drink it peacefully. 

13) If you were a cleaning product, you would be _____? Why? 

Katie – Clorox disinfectant wipes because I can’t afford to get sick! 

Symone – I think I would be bleach because it’s so potent and makes everything clean!

14) Stopping three good friends of yours on the sidewalk, I ask them to describe you and they say…? 

Katie – They’d probably say that I find a joke in each day, that I can be pretty sarcastic at times, but all in all I care deeply for those around me. 

Symone – They would say I am very outgoing, goofy/silly, spoiled, and very independent. 

15) It’s the end of the world and the zombies are coming – what’s your strategy to survive? 

Katie – Head up north, zombies hate the cold. 

Symone – Find a dark cave and stay there. LOL. 

16) The HER Shelter is a family oriented organization – would this also be a fitting description for you? 

Katie – Yes, my family is my support network. They help motivate me and continue to encourage me in this work. 

Symone – I would honestly say that I am  not  a family oriented person never  grew up that way , however because this was never really instilled in me so  to work for  organization that  is this way I  really  cherish it.

17) What are your top strengths and weaknesses? 

Katie – Strengths: Compassionate, empathetic and understanding. Weaknesses: Not super organized, tends to go with the flow a lot.

Symone – I would say that being kind and nice would have to be one of my strengths AND weakness.  I would say being so nice is sometimes considered a weakness  because I have a hard time of saying “No”.

18) Life-long goals – base-jumping in Yosemite? President? Traveling to Mars? 

Katie – Give back to those who put so much into me growing up.

Symone – Traveling the world. 

Here or There – Where Abuse Happens

Domestic Violence Doesn’t Discriminate

It is a myth that domestic abuse only happens to those experiencing poverty, mental health challenges, or addictions. Domestic violence can happen regardless of whether you are:

• Rich or poor
• White, African-American, Hispanic, or so on
• Gay or straight
• Male/Female/Other
• From a “good” family or not
• Educated
• Married, dating, FWBs, or single
• Struggling with addition or clean as a whistle
• and so on…

To illustrate the point – below are a few stories about clients that have stayed at HER at some point in the past. Names and some details have been adjusted for confidentiality purposes, but not for dramatic effect.

Martha

Meet Martha, a short, gray-haired, white woman in her mid-sixties – she’d fit right in among the other ladies picking out scrap-booking supplies at the craft store. Martha would certainly not fit many people’s expectations for someone experiencing terrible domestic violence. She drove a sports car, was highly educated (PhD), and was financially well-off. But, underneath the surface of her privileged life, she was struggling to keep herself afloat. For years she had been secretly surviving abuse at the hands of a husband that maintained a respectable public image. They were a couple that had been married a long time, with friends and family that knew nothing about what was going on behind closed doors. Martha felt trapped by expectation, by shame, by finances, and by her age. No one would hire a woman in her mid-sixties if she quit her job to move away from her husband. Friends and family would question her sanity if she accused the man they knew of being abusive. Their joint finances, savings, home, and so on, were going to take years to untangle.

Finally, after years of working up the strength, Martha made a call to the hotline that changed her life forever. Days later she started her time as a resident at HER, getting accustomed to shelter life and familiarizing herself with the services we could offer during her stay. At the same time, she was condensing 30+ years of personal items and furniture into a tiny storage unit and the backseat of her car (the storage unit she would later have to empty, selling most of what she had). We faced many challenges with Martha – her age and degree made her far too qualified for most jobs. Her financial background made it tough to convince others that she needed support at all. But she worked hard, and she had hope for the future. A future without the fear and pain she had suffered under for more than a decade.

Serena

You will never meet a kinder person than Serena. A cis-gender lady from a middle-class Christian background, she loved to cook and could befriend anyone given the time. Originally from the West Coast, she had ended up in the Hampton Roads area with a boyfriend in uniform – a story not too uncommon around here! Unfortunately, what had started off as a romance, had eventually darkened into abuse and she was only able to escape after he had been stationed elsewhere and she’d refused (dangerously) to come along. Upon entering shelter, she also revealed that she had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, and had been given only a few months to a year to live. It was almost mind-boggling to think that someone could bear so much at once.

After months of eager participation in our services (especially the Sweet Haven program – she LOVED baking), she was eventually able to reconnect with family that were willing to help support her in the final chapter of her life. It was strange for us, to not be helping someone find a job, gain benefits, or look for long-term housing. Instead, our role was as witnesses – as she experienced freedom again and gained back her sense of joy, humor, and wholeness. It was an amazing thing to watch her blossom, because even in her acknowledgement of the hardship she’d suffered and the pain she expected in the future, she was kind, grateful, and at peace. She faced her life one day at a time, savoring every laugh and determined to make the best of every chance she had to be happy.

Elle

If you can imagine a life with roller-coaster like ups and downs, this would be it. From a small African-American family in the north, she and her siblings were left a significant inheritance from an older relative who passed away. Thrust into wealth, Elle found herself suddenly quite popular with friends and family who began showing up out of the woodwork. Resisting much of the peer pressure, Elle still found herself completely broke within 2 years. Soon, the bank foreclosed on the home she’d also been left, and she and her family found themselves bouncing from place to place. Behind closed doors, she began experiencing abuse at the hands of her mother – who lived with her and relied on her for care. At the same time, she dated a series of men – none of whom treated her well.

By the time Elle became a client at the Shelter, she was in her late forties, tired, bankrupt, at odds with her family, and pregnant on top of it. She was a kind and generous person, but weary of being manipulated again and lacking the energy to stand up for herself. During her stay at the Shelter, we slowly worked to help her rebuild her sense of self-worth, to obtain the benefits she and her elderly mother needed in order to live day-to-day, and about three weeks in – coping with the sudden loss of her pregnancy. Elle was repeatedly handed circumstances in her life that were somewhat or entirely out of her control. All she could do was hang on, and each day try to make the sun rise a little higher.

Here or There

As stated above – domestic abuse can and does happen in places you can picture and places you can’t. It happens in the upper-class gated community, and it happens in the projects. It happens to the teenager from a nice family, and to the immigrant wife who just came to the country a month ago. If statistics are correct – you know someone right now who has or will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. So the next time someone asks, “Who does that happen to?” – you can simply answer: “Anyone.”

Starting With Gratitude

A Note on a New HER Shelter Tradition

From the desk of Beth Cross – Executive Director

I am glad she is here. The woman with three kids the same age as mine who packed as much as she could in trash bags and fled for her life. It is a rough day for her, filled with nerves and unknowns, but I am glad she is here. I don’t know her personally, her beliefs and opinions, her history or choices, and none of that matters right now – because today, we are grateful that she and her kids are safe. I am glad she is here, because I know what is waiting.  I don’t know the answers to her complicated situation, or the end to her story, but I know, what we have we will give her to help her thrive in a new life.

What we have isn’t always a lot, or isn’t always enough, but what we have, we will give. The problems for each client seem so insurmountable at times, and yet, we see hope. This is how we know that “enough” is a misunderstood term. There never seems to be “enough” money, or time, or bus tickets, or ______ (fill in the blank) at the shelter. Our clients often report that they don’t have “enough”.  Maybe you feel the same in your life? But it is not about what we should have more of, but what we have right now, and what we have right now can change the world.

Our theme for 2017 at Help and Emergency Response, Inc. is “Start with Gratitude”. This year, the staff and Board of HER will focus on what we have – even the small things we missed – and how we can give that to others. We want our clients to feel this too! They do not always feel hopeful while entering our programs, but they are here! They are safe! They have opportunity and choice! What we have, we will give. Maybe that is starting with respect, or hope, or love, maybe it is giving time or money? You will know what you have when you take time to see what is amazing in your life and decide to share it with others.

It is not about a lesson on “entitlement” or that we should just be more grateful and happy. It is not a pansy word that deserves a hug. No, choosing gratitude is a meaningful decision to not be overcome by the darkness around you. Moving the focus from what is threatening you to what you have to work with.

We are treading in deep waters in our culture right now. Darkness that has poured into our society for generations is now threatening to swallow us. It has been confusing, emotional and exhausting, much like our clients feel when they enter HER. But we can’t keep sinking into what “should be,” instead, lets find the beauty of what “is” right now, all around us, and lets grow that. The human spirit is insanely resilient, rising from ashes again and again. Our cry this year is not the answer to the problems we face, it is a different way of approaching them, we do not know what they end will be, but we know where we will start.

Start with gratitude.

You’re a “_____”?!

The Power & Destruction of Labels

Labels. They infiltrate every corner of human existence. Nationality, race, religion, sexual orientation or gender-identity, politics, hobbies or fetishes, entertainment, and on and on. For example, were you a “nerd” in high school? Perhaps you consider yourself a “Trekkie” because of your affinity for a particular tv show? Maybe there is conflict at the annual family Thanksgiving dinner because the “Conservatives” and “Leftists” end up fighting over political situations? Sound familiar yet?

Labels and stereotypes invade every single aspect of our lives – both personal and professional. Though not an in-depth analysis by any means, this blog will attempt to grapple with some tough questions about the culture of labels that we live in. Hopefully by the end, you might experience just enough discomfort or curiosity to inspire you to look into the issue more or do some personal reflecting! The sections in purple are meant to be breaks to the monotony of reading blogs – they feature people who are described first using labels and then are later introduced without them. For privacy purposes these folks will be fictional, but based on real people!

Meet Xavier. Labels he’s been faced with: Tall. Hispanic. Jock. Pot-head. Special-ed. Welfare kid. Meet Xavier. An American with a rich heritage from Guatemalan and Cuban roots. He loves sports because he is naturally coordinated and was blessed to have the genetics that make him taller than some of his peers.  He’s never touched drugs, as he’s hoping to make it into a college with help from a sports scholarship – he does have long hair though. He was diagnosed at an early age with dyslexia, but with the help of some encouraging teachers has done very well in school. He is one of three kids from a home where his single mom works three jobs – they were fortunate to have SNAP assistance when was younger while she was looking for jobs. That’s him, if you took the time to get to know him.

Why do we label?

It’s a good question right? To look into the general topic of labels and stereotypes, it’s important to do some reflection on why they exist in the first place. So, let’s toss our a few ideas!

• Culture hands labels out like lollipops. Are you a Covergirl? Or perhaps you’re an “outdoorsy person” because you drive a Jeep through the mountains in the snow? Maybe, you are “fat”? Or an “American Idol”? Depending on the music you listen to, perhaps you’ve started labeling women as “sluts” or “bitches”? What about TV shows marketed to specific groups like “Asians” or “Hispanics”? If you think about it for a minute, it would be feasible to say that at some point, every single person finds themselves handing out a label to someone because they fit some definition handed out by a movie, tv show, commercial, song, etc.
• It’s easy to label people. Right?? (he said sarcastically) I mean, come on, it’s far easier to refer to your eccentric cousin who enjoys farming and “leftist” politics as a hippie right? Or to summarize that one girl in your class (who is super smart and wants to study biology so she can go to med school) as the “black girl.” I mean really, who wants to take the time to get to know people at more than a surface level? Human relationships – gross!
• It makes us feel better about ourselves. No wait, it’s true. It’s so self-reassuring to think of yourself as a good mom when you go to the store and can judge the mom who has tattoos. In the office it’s great to be known as the “Ivy-league kid,” as opposed to a nameless nobody – right? We all do this: write labels for people in our minds so that they have some sort of rank in how we view them. Most often than not, those labels are negative reflections of them, and make you feel better about yourself.
• It keeps us from have scary conversations. It’s much more succinct to refer to someone as a “biker,” than to actually get to know them and grapple with their history and reasoning for loving motorcycles. Who wants to sit and learn about the story or meaning of someone’s tattoos, when you can just slap a label on them and move on? Why bother taking the time to get to know that one coworker, when you obviously have nothing in common because you heard she’s a lesbian? Which leads us into the final point:
• It keeps us safe in our insulated bubbles. By assigning people labels using what we can see or might loosely know about them, we protect ourselves from things that scare us or might make us uncomfortable. People might make the decision to switch grocery stores if the one in their neighborhood becomes too “ghetto.” You might have to grapple with your religious or nationalistic beliefs if you befriend “that Muslim girl” at work, so it’s just better to not to right? The list could go one. Either way, people tend to distance themselves from what they perceive to be threatening to their worldviews.

So what’s the problem with labels?

In all honesty, hopefully this question has an answer that is plain and clear. But if not, let’s break it down quickly.

• It’s destructive – In time, most people come to struggle with how the world labels them. A young man might face his senior year of high school knowing that his peers are just going to label him as “the gay kid” since he came out over the summer. One that I have personally had explained to me, was the experience that young African-American women face in college – being labeled as an “angry black woman.” Labels can destroy reputations, relationships, companies, families, religions, and more.
• It’s limiting – I wonder if there’s a way to calculate all of the amazing progress that could have been made in our world if people had been able to work together throughout the ages with any of the limitations that come from labels – which here (if you hadn’t noticed) is a clever way of discussing issues that stem from racism, bigotry, homophobia, class-ism, etc.
• It’s WRONG – Period. I apologize if you believe in a world of relativism. Summarizing a person’s entire history and experience into a few words that describe your shallow perspective on their existence = wrong. Treating that person as dictated by your label for them = wrong. So, to say it again: IT’S WRONG!

Meet Marissa. Labels she’s been faced with: Cheerleader. Spoiled Brat. Blonde. Slut. Easy. Queer. Drunk. Liar. Attention-seeker. Over-reactor. Meet Marissa. A young woman from an upper-middle class white family, about to enter her last year of college at a new school. An accomplished dancer and gymnast, she’s sad to leave behind a role on the university’s cheer-leading team. However, she made the decision to transfer out of her previous school after she was assaulted on campus. Through the months that followed, she watched her friends disappear as her reputation was torn apart in court hearings, where everything from her bisexual orientation to the bottle of wine discovered in her dorm room was held up as evidence of promiscuity and alcoholism. After the university withdrew its formal support for her case, she quietly decided to drop out and finish college somewhere no one knows her. Oh, and her name isn’t Marissa anymore. It’s Chelsea, and she’s dyed her hair brown.

What’s the alternative?

Again, hopefully the answer here is making itself obvious – the alternative is to STOP LABELING PEOPLE. Stop falling prey to exaggerated and dangerous stereotypes handed out by the media or culture. Stop making 10 second judgements that can determine the depth or character of a 10 minute, 10 month, or 10 year relationship. Just take a deep breath, prepare to be a little uncomfortable, and then stop.

You might say, “Yeah but it’s not that easy.” And guess what? You’re right! It’s going to take a long time to train yourself to rollback those sharp and pointy thoughts that so easily slip into our minds when we see or meet someone. However, you DO have to make an initial commitment to even start trying to think differently. To go out of your way to meet people who might shake up your bubble. To ask questions, admit lack of knowledge, probe deeply into issues you know nothing about, and get to know people on an entirely new level.

But I promise – you CAN do it. And not only that, but I think that in doing so, you will begin to notice that there is so much in life you were missing. People likely had labels for you too, and isn’t it high-time we tossed off those burdens and started living life as we were meant to?

Remember – people have skin for a biological purpose, have hair because they’re mammals, have clothes so they aren’t cold or naked, and the rest is worth having a conversation about in order to understand. There is so much more under the surface!

It’s Too Easy Not to Care

 Apathy in a World Full of Pain

What is your response when someone or something interrupts your world and reminds you there are people suffering?

“Ah, that’s too bad…”

“Poor soul, glad it’s not me…”

“Wow, that really sucks…”

Anything like that sound familiar? Ever roll the windows up while waiting for a stoplight so that the person standing at the intersection won’t walk up to your car? Maybe you’ve j-walked to avoid walking near a homeless person crouched on the sidewalk? Seen a family standing outside of a grocery store asking for something to eat? Perhaps you’re religious, and a family that doesn’t dress as well or appear as well-off comes in and tries to hide in the back row? The examples could be endlessly listed – because poverty is diverse and impossible to briefly characterize.

In contrast, maybe you are someone who does the opposite: gives spare cash to people in need; picks up the veteran and takes them to the closest shelter; dedicates time and energy to the Red Cross for tornado recovery teams; etc. Even if that’s you, keep reading – this blog is for all of us, even the people who find themselves somewhere in-between our two examples.

Before we continue, let’s say this: this is not meant to make you feel guilty. It is not meant to be some conviction-creating call-to-action that anchors a new-found good will in self-shaming. Similarly, the purpose is not to give some people a reason to gloat or feel self-righteous. The goal, in fact, is two-fold: to talk about how easy it is to not care, and to present ideas worth discussing and let you work it out on your own. Thoughts mean little if we don’t reach conclusions without manipulation.

Why is it so easy to ignore suffering?

1. We all have the tendency to surround ourselves in what makes us comfortable. It’s almost reflexive! We live in a place where options are practically limitless if we are willing to pay for them. Don’t like where you buy groceries? Switch. Don’t like going to that Italian restaurant? Switch. Don’t like driving through a certain neighborhood? Take a different route. Don’t like what’s on tv tonight? Get a streaming service. And so on and so on. Unfortunately, suffering doesn’t radiate comfort – and thus we tend to avoid it when we can so we remain comfortable. Heard of confirmation bias? This is similar: comfort bias.
2. We have been conditioned to expect a certain level of privacy. In our homes and  personal lives we have developed an expectation that no one can enter our “bubble” without permission. This directly translates to when we are in public. Paul Boden, a well-known advocate for the homeless, says this, “I think the poorer and darker-skinned and dirtier a person is, the bigger that private space bubble that Americans love to walk around with gets.”
3. We don’t have the capacity to commit. Choosing to stand up with or for people who are suffering in some way is never a five-second task. We live in a culture steeped in immediate gratification. As a result, when we realize the heaviness of the task of helping someone get back on their feet, we get overwhelmed and duck out. Every heard the phrase: “I’m at the end of my rope!”? Today’s rope is often more like a string – a very short string.
4. We sometimes reason that people who are suffering have done something to deserve it, or that it could never happen to us. Folks from strict religious backgrounds might head down this road quickly – “That’s happening to them? Well they must have done something wrong.” In the case of the homeless, “We have demonized [them] so much over the last 30 years that passerby don’t think they can ever end up on the streets because they’re not crazy, they’re not drug addicted, they’re not alcoholics, and they’re not stupid,” says Paul Boden. It’s far easier to walk away from helping someone if we can make ourselves believe they are getting what they’re owed. “They made their bed, now they can sleep in it.”
5. It’s not simple or easy. Right? When we see a sticky, messy, this-will-take-alot-of-work kinda situation, most of us take a hard pass because we don’t think we have the time, energy, desire, money, or capacity to help. Most people put off doing the dishes and let them pile up into a mess that eventually demands intervention. People are SO much more important and yet we tend to treat them the same way. And guess what, if it was easy to get out of a situation of suffering, more people would do it more quickly.

A Few Ideas

1. Live Together, Die Alone. Okay, so it’s from a tv show, does it make it less true?  Humanity loves to come up with new and better ways of making sure there are things that divide us – citizenship, religion, education, sports teams, politics, and on. But let’s be 100% honest here, when it comes right down to being a human – it doesn’t matter if you follow the Pope or the Spaghetti Monster, it doesn’t matter if you root for the Yankees or Red Sox, and it doesn’t matter if you voted for Hillary or Trump. As JFK said, “What is unites us is far greater than what divides us.” We have a responsibility to be on this planet with billions of other people, it’s high time we all started acting like we’re in it together.
2. Don’t be afraid to say yes every once in a while. We get that there are sometimes reasons to not get involved. But the flip-side of that would mean that there are also sometimes reasons to GET involved. Don’t be afraid to roll up your sleeves and try to help somebody. Few people have the capacity and ability to be saints – and that’s the point. The world would be a far better place if every person tried to be saint-like 10% of the time, instead of 1 in a million being saint-like 100% of the time.
3. Learn to thrive in discomfort. You will be better for it in the long run. If we can all shrink our bubbles and learn to brush shoulders with the world, the world can gradually become a better place. Learning to thrive in our discomfort can make us better workers, can make us g0-getters, can help us conquer our own demons so that we can help the world face the larger enemy – apathy. After all, our biggest enemy is ourselves. Because if we don’t learn to care, who will?

http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=8136

http://www.alternet.org/poverty/psychology-behind-why-people-react-way-they-do-homeless-person-asking-help

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-boden/i-aint-no-broken-window_b_1404498.html

What’s the Point?

Competing With an Epidemic

Domestic abuse (and all related types of abuse – sexual, verbal, emotional, financial, and so on) aren’t going to magically evaporate one of these days. The sad truth, is that even if there were a thousand more Shelters working and educating around the world, abuse would still happen somewhere. That idea might make one hopeless. And trust me, similar feelings are not uncommon among those that work in fields like ours. At times, working to end hunger in a third world country or with children that have been trafficked must feel like an endless task. You come to the end of a difficult but rewarding journey with one person, and three more walk in the door. The question we ask ourselves, time and time again – whether we realize it or not – is this, “What’s the point?”

Why bother doing the work we do? Why continue to take tiny steps forward against what feels like an ocean of a problem? Does the work we do even make an impact? Are we struggling day in and day out to bring about an end to the epidemic or just to treat a localized outbreak? Questions like these often begin to weigh down our minds and harden our hearts. If we’re not careful, mindful of the state of our souls and diligently seeking support and self-care, it is a slippery slope to becoming burnt out. When a client we thought we’d helped gain the confidence and independence to start fresh turns around and falls back into a familiar situation, it can be heartbreaking to watch. It makes us pause, try to catch our breath, and ask, “What’s the point?”

Let me tell you what I think – not that you asked, sorry about that.

1. The point is, that the work we are doing is some kind of ‘good.’ Some kind of force that pushes back at the tide. Some kind of light that we are able to send into the darkness where and when we can. In a world where so often it seems like the negative is going to blot out all happiness, there are people rising up to say “Stop!” There are people rising up to help educate others, to defend those who have trouble defending themselves, to restore rights to those from whom they’ve been taken. You might even be one of those people without realizing it!
2. The point is, that choosing to come to work everyday is our way of saying, “Domestic abuse doesn’t have to go on forever.” Even if we don’t make as big of an impact as we’d like, or we don’t help every single person as much as we’d hoped, or we watch as someone turns around and returns to a situation from their past – we still believe there is hope. For a future where domestic abuse is rare and not so casual. For a generation to rise up and choose peace and harmony as their defining characteristics.
3. The point is, that even if we only succeeded in helping one woman – it would make it all worth it. At the end of the day, countless failures or sad endings will not out-balance the scales – even if we only have a lasting impact on a single person, it makes it all worth it.

To drive that final point home, let me share a story. I have heard it in many places, many times, but always for a single reason – it helps us make sense of what we do; what so many people do and dedicate their lives to doing. It’s original form comes from a short story called “The Star Thrower” by Loren Eisley, and was published in 1969. This is my summarized version.

Once upon a time, an old woman was walking down the beach in the early morning. Mixed into the sands near the edge of the water were thousands of small starfish, their little spiny bodies piled up on top of one another haphazardly. The old woman stepped carefully around them as she plodded on, taking notice of their plight, but continuing her walk.

Minutes later, as she crested a small dune, she saw a small figure down the beach. From what she could tell, the figure appeared to be throwing something out into the blue waters of the bay. As he got closer, the figure came into focus – a small boy, perhaps 9 or 10. He was tirelessly bending down to gather armfuls of starfish and then throwing them one by one as far as he could out into the water. She paused for a moment, watching him pick up a few more starfish and continue with his seemingly purposeless task. When he didn’t appear to be tiring or showing any intention of slowing down, she walked up the beach towards him.

“Lad,” she called out, “What are you doing?”

Looking back at her confused, he said quite plainly, “Saving these starfish of course! The tide brought them up too high, and they’d all die in the heat if I left them.”

Smiling kindly, the old woman replied, “But there are so many, thousands in fact. I’m afraid you won’t make much of a difference.”

Kneeling in the sand, the boy picked up a single starfish. Bringing it up to his eye, he smiled at it before pulling back and flinging it out into the waves. Looking back to the old woman he smiled again, “Made a difference to that one!”

The old woman found herself touched and humbled by the boy’s response. Bending down next to him, she picked up a starfish and threw it out into the sea.

Soon, others stopped to ask what they were doing, and once they heard the boy’s story they found themselves setting down their cameras and iPhones to join in.

They didn’t save all the starfish. But they saved many. All because a little boy took the time to see a glimmer of hope and throw just 1 starfish back into the sea.

We’re quite the same to that little boy. We can’t save all. We try hard to fight the tide and often lose. But we keep gathering those we can and try to give them a second chance.

And that, is the point.

Nearly 20 Questions – Staff Interview: Antonette

I’d like to introduce you to another of our most beloved staff member: Antonette – the Housing Wizard! No but really, she’s the amazing person that runs the show in the housing office – getting our clients from where they are to (hopefully) where they’d like to be for their next step. If you’ve ever stopped by our Portsmouth location, you’ve probably seen this short-statured firecracker organizing donations, hollering or laughing. She’s got the personality to make you feel so loved and, when necessary, she can sit you down you’d think she was your mama and give you a stern talking to. She adds to the awesome-soup that makes our office so diverse and energetic. You’re lucky to cross her path, and unlucky to never meet her.

Part One – Professional/Work-Related Questions:

1) Please start by giving an overview of your time and positions here at the HER Shelter. 

Before working at the HER Shelter, I worked at the PARC Shelter here in Portsmouth as a Shelter Relief Worker. I began at HER in 2013, starting right off where I am today – in the housing office. For the past 4 years I have remained as the Housing Advocate and built up a network of relationships with landlords and community workers across the Portsmouth and Chesapeake region.

2) Can you describe what you think about everyday as you drive to work? 

To be honest, as I drive to work in the morning, my mind often floats to my relationships with my coworkers and the community we share as we try to help people. I often run through lists of things that need to be done, calls I need to make, people I get to approve for housing assistance, and those that we have some issues to resolve.

3) This can be challenging and emotional work. How do you cope with the stress and the heavy emotional toll that sometimes threatens to go home with you?

Prayer. Sometimes I just stop and randomly sing at the top of my lungs. And when necessary, a good cry always makes me feel better.

4) During your time at the HER Shelter, is there a particular mistake you made that you think you learned the most from?

At one point, during a phone call with a community client, I spent several minutes getting cussed out. After she had finished, I was emotional and ended up hurting her feelings with the things I said. I was extremely troubled by the conversation and ended up leaving the office and visiting her in person to seek her forgiveness. I was in no place to be punishing her for what she’d said, and the program is not based on who I want to give the money to, but on who needs it – my feelings aside. I needed to humble myself to embrace this woman who had been through so much – I could have been her, and I was at one point. She was under pressure, and I didn’t meet her in peace, and our conversation broke down. It made me rethink (and continues to) how to be professional under pressure and to connect in a manner of peace with whomever calls me.

5) When you were a dewy-eyed youth, was this the type of work you imagined yourself doing? If not, what other career paths were you interested in pursuing?

A veterinarian! When I was younger that was the plan. It seemed like, growing up in the projects, that all the “good” neighborhoods were on the other side of the tracks, so to speak. And one of the ways that there was a cross-over between our neighborhoods is that those people’s pets would come over to scavenge – beautiful dogs and cats. We would watch those cats and dogs come into our neighborhood and then watch them go back to where they slept. Everyday my sister and I would play with their animals, and then go back up to our rooms at the end of the day and part ways with them. I loved those animals, and wanted to be someone who took care of them.

6) In what ways do the mission and vision of the HER Shelter resonate with you on a personal level?

To be honest, I wish I’d had a place like this as a resource when I was younger. Speaking from experience, these things happen, they are real. It means the world to me to be able to help.

7) Similar to an earlier question, is there a particular story or moment of success that has stuck with you and encouraged you over the years?

When the HER Shelter won the Rapid Rehousing Challenge Award (in 2013), it meant the world to me – that we had been doing what we were supposed to do and helping as many people as possible. It was recognizing us for being great at helping – and that felt so encouraging. Even though we don’t get awards every year, I strive to meet every goal that comes my way – because at the end of the day it means we help a maximum number of people. And I don’t do it by myself – our team is awesome, and everybody is involved in making it happen.

8) Does the work you do have the potential to empower people, but also the potential to harm?

It depends. There are definitely people who our housing program isn’t the best option for? If this makes sense, we can put people into housing for good reasons, but then the person could use that housing for a reason other than a safe harbor. Sometimes we get calls from landlords about an ex-client that wants to register a complaint about someone we housed with them. Of course we have people that we’ve housed that ended up losing what we helped them achieve – for a variety of reasons. We can’t force people to create a home, all we can do is help to provide a house – if that makes sense. We do our best to monitor and help our clients maintain healthy life-styles and habits so that they can be successful. We try to put people in housing, and wrap our services around them to become sustainable and achieve something long-term.

9) If you were to give advice to a young person interested in work like this, what would be the top tips you’d give?

• Know yourself first. You have to know who you are so you can stay grounded. This work is a movement, and it’s easy to get swept into our clients’ lives if you don’t have something holding you down. It can be depressing and tough, but somebody has to do it. We’re here to help people get picked up, and unless you’re ready for that, you’ll get pulled down. When you hear the stories from intake, you can’t keep that with you – their story can’t become yours.
• Along a similar line, learn healthy ways to empathize and sympathize – without internalizing – it’s so essential.

Part Two – Personal/Get-to-Know-You Questions:

1) In a few sentences, how would you summarize yourself? Who is Antonette?

I am loud, cheerful, colorful, bright, can’t-take-her-anywhere, a success-story, a survivor of abuse, a mother – happy and here. I don’t think I’ve fully made it, but I feel like I am living a purpose driven life. You know how people don’t know what that purpose is? I always feel like I know what my point is, and it fulfills itself everyday. I always knew I’d be Antonette, the queen. Woop!

2) Morning person or evening person? Why?

All around person, but morning probably. I like the feeling of getting up early and being productive. I like to be alert so I know when people are lurking, or messing with my stuff.

3) When life gives you lemons, what do you do?

Make ghetto juice. That’s that kool-aid with a whole five-pound bag of sugar in it. Knocks your teeth straight out. You gotta do what you gotta do.

4) If Antonette was a cleaning product she would be a _______? Why?

Pow-Wow Degreaser, it’s gonna knock your socks right off.

5) Stopping three good friends of yours on the sidewalk, I ask them to describe you and they say….?

“That fried chicken though.” or “Oh I love her!” or “Party in shoes right there.”

6) It’s the end of the world and the zombies are coming – what’s your strategy to survive?

Turn into Michonne from the Walking Dead. That girl is crazy awesome. Recite the Lord’s Prayer. Take care of my family.

7) The HER Shelter is a family oriented organization – would this also be a fitting description for you? (Without too much detail!)

Yup. My family is my everything.

8) What are your top personal strengths and weaknesses?

• Strengths:  My faith. My energy. Positive outlook – there is light at the end of the tunnel.
  

• Weaknesses:  Unorganized. Last-minute, but I think I work well under pressure!
  

9) Life-long goal – base-jumping in Yosemite? Traveling to Mars?

• Work-related long-term goal:  To have a boys home. For me and my husband to be able to foster as many as we can.
  

• Personal:  To be a first-time home owner and to live out loud.
  

Why She Stays

An Insider Perspective

Sorry everybody, we didn’t have a ton of time to write a fancy blog this week. Things are getting into crunch-season (not crunch-time because it’ so long). Our apologies!

On a positive note, we did want to take the time to point you to this really awesome TED Talk by Leslie Steiner. We sometimes use this video in our support groups to help foster healthy conversations about domestic violence. If you have the time and want to learn, give it a try – it’s not long and very informative about the work we do here.

See you next week!

Redefining Paradise

How We See Success

“When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes…”

Those are the lyrics of Paradise, by a band called Coldplay. Ever heard it? 

Try something for me – picture yourself working at the HER Shelter. Imagine you have a new client who has just arrived and who has come from a horrible situation. You leave that day, jump in the car and this song comes on the radio. You’ve heard it before, but for the first time you envision that little girl as one of your clients. Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6ZWlDks0nQ

“When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she’ll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she’d fly…”

It changed the entire way you see the song right? But more importantly, did it have any effect on how you hear or understand the key word: paradise? This isn’t just a mental exercise to make our blog more interactive. This is an experience straight out of my life a few weeks ago. And with the shift in perspective on the music, came a shift in perspective of paradise.

Here at HER, when our clients come into Shelter or choose to take part in our community services, they are making a decision: to uproot their current existence; to pack 2 bags and begin again; to leave the bad in search of something new – an oasis of calm or peace. And where they end up – if they enter a situation where the have control over their finances, feel safe, and are happier – is this not paradise comparatively? Though I’ve always associated the word with a beach scene out of a Hollywood film, in reality, paradise is different for every person – and here’s the key: each person’s paradise is worthy of respect. Right? Some people would truly not comprehend how happy a person might be securing a $300 studio apartment in an only okay neighborhood – at least, not without context huh? With this adaptable framework of a definition, let’s talk about how we work within this mindset to help our clients find their oasis.

HER Four Steps to Paradise

1) Acknowledging Differences: The most essential step, and the beginning of helping someone. Each and every client we admit into shelter will have a distinctly unique past and set of barriers. [Barriers are the industry name for things that might hinder a person from achieving a goal.] After we have completed an intake and have a good idea of the direction the person would like to go – we say okay and we help them try to get there. Along the way we might offer suggestions about programs or services that might benefit them – but we do our best to let the client’s have control over their trajectory. We have to do our utmost not to force any of our own standards or beliefs onto them during their stay. For example, perhaps a client is desperate to get their own car (perhaps free movement was denied to them in the past), but we would rather see them focus on getting a better place to live. We can argue, but most often we choose to support. If a car is their paradise, who are we to shatter that dream? We each see the world differently – and therefore we each imagine our version of paradise differently. And it’s okay!

2) Respecting Choices: Remember that classic movie trope? The one where a child is about to fly the coop but uptight parents want them to go to a certain college and get a certain degree in accounting to take up a certain family business? Then, predictably, the child wants to dance or act or pursue a passion that, heavens be, is just not what the parents find acceptable. At the end of those movies, what is nearly always the case? The kids goes to dance school and mommy and daddy grow up a little. Right? Life at the Shelter is often the same way. A client comes in, works hard, makes choices about her future – and we respect them (even if we think it’s not the best choice). This is simple – in the end, it’s not about us or how we might feel about something – it’s about the clients achieving some or all of their current version of paradise. Is there a place in your life this needs to be true also? Got a kid that wants to be an painter and not a football player? Perhaps a sibling that doesn’t want to be a half-owner of the family feed store? A friend that doesn’t want to be in her abusive marriage anymore? What realities or standards do we unknowingly project onto people in our lives? Are we truly respecting choices?

3) Choosing Goals: Back to the Shelter. Once a client is more familiar to us – their version of paradise has been explained, and they have had time to catch their breath – we assist as best we can in setting reasonable goals. Whether that means offering space in our safe to store cash, assistance with WIC paperwork, or transportation to and from some interviews – we do as much as we can. The saddest truth about the perceived paradise of many people, is that they never take the time to seriously think about how to get there. Ever have those moments? Where you picture living in a quaint apartment in Budapest over a pastry shop and teaching English 2 days a week at a local university? [Or whatever your paradise might be.] I would bet money that in the process of thinking about your daydream, you never go, sit down with a pen and paper, and write a 10 step plan to get there. Am I right? Right from the beginning of a shelter stay, we do our best to help clients identify achievable steps towards reasonable goals. We envision success. We have to, in order to inspire confidence in the people serve. So go ahead, give yourself permission to write a list: Ten Steps to Paradise (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/16/your-money/hesitant-to-make-that-big-life-change-permission-granted.html) 

4) Starting a Journey: Perhaps the most difficult part of expanding your understanding of paradise, is giving it the characteristic of fluidity. Clients are in our shelter for 30-60 days. Hopefully when they leave they are entering their little paradise they have been working so hard on. But what about after? Every single client is given the opportunity to be part of our After-Care program – a doorway to our services  for up to 12 months after they stay with us. Many times their goals or perceptions of paradise begin to evolve and mature. Maybe they have an apartment, and now want to pursue obtaining a vehicle. Perhaps they settled in an area they don’t love and have set their sights on a nicer place? Not to be too philosophical, but is paradise more of a journey than a destination? Below are two hypothetical situations to illustrate a little more of what I mean.

… is paradise more of a journey than a destination?

Hypothetical Client A: Arrives at the Shelter from a situation that was life-threatening. She had no access to a car, to money, to family or friends, or to work. Her goals right at the start are this: get a job, to make money, to get a place by herself and become independent. Her paradise is a place where she is independent, where she is strong and in charge. And that’s okay. 

Hypothetical Client B: Arrives at the Shelter with her 3 kids, from a situation that was dirty, unsafe, and where her children were not able to attend school. She is bound and determined to live in clean surroundings, with doors that have many locks, and to get her kids enrolled into school and working on their education. Her paradise is a place where she feels safe, and where she can provide a new life for her children. And that’s okay. 

What’s your paradise? If you take away societal standards (beach scene), what’s your real paradise? I promise – it’s okay.

“And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She’d say, “oh, I know the sun must set to rise”

This could be
Para-para-paradise…”

(*All lyrics from song Paradise by Coldplay, Copyright 2011)

“Me? Oh I’m Fine”& Other Myths

The Basics of Self-Care

Do ever experience times when someone asks how you are – someone who cares about you – and you don’t even know what to say? Or you just respond with a quick brush-off because you know there isn’t time to get into how you really feel? Common examples:

How are you?

• You know, I’m good.
• Fine, thanks.
• Good and you?
• Busy – as usual.

How was work?

• Like it always is.
• It was, you know… work.
• Meh… (typically accompanied by a shrug*)

There are certainly days when those of us on staff at the HER Shelter want to just go home and lay on a couch, turn on our favorite comfort flick, and lose ourselves into the world of Harry Potter for an hour. And guess what? That’s okay!

Today’s topic = Self-Care: what to do when work or life is difficult, sad, emotionally, physically, or mentally exhausting, or makes you want to curl up in a ball with a cute puppy and cry a lot (or cat if that’s your pet of choice).

Now, obviously we’re not psychologists or a panel of PhD toting big-wigs explaining the results of our 12 year longitudinal study about personal health and wellness. (But you probably new that already!) On the contrary, we are group of women (and 1 dude) who work in the trenches with people going through horrific traumas and insanely difficult periods of transition. Every single day we could take home the burdens of our clients. Every day we could let the stories we hear and the realities we observe wreck us. And to be honest, sometimes we can’t avoid that – we’re not robots. Ask anyone that works with survivors (of floods, of wars, of abuse, of cancer, etc.) and they will say the same – “we do our best to not bring work home, but there are times…”

So, for us all (the HER staff and the clients we try to impart this to) – AND FOR YOU, BECAUSE THIS CAN APPLY TO EVERYONE – the question becomes, how do I take care of myself? And therefore: Self-Care.

1) Telling yourself the truth. For many people, especially people used to the grind and who have conditioned themselves for years to not pay particular mind to their own needs, telling yourself the truth will be hard. Listening will be even harder. But dash garn is it important. You’ve got to be able to hold up the proverbial mirror and be honest about what’s looking back at you! Not cruelly, mind you, just honestly.

• Step 1 – Ask the questions: If I am being honest with myself, how AM I? When is the last time I did something for just me? When is the last time I said, “This day sucked, I need to take an extra effort to make sure I am okay.”?
• Step 2 – Pay attention to the answers: I need time. I am overwhelmed. I am running out of energy. Sometimes at work I wish I could take a minute to collect myself. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed because I am just so tired. I haven’t seen my friends in a year. Someone at work shared with me about a difficulty they are having in their marriage and asked me not to talk about it – but I haven’t been able to eat in days because I am so worried.

2) Making the decision to help yourself. Telling yourself the truth can seem freeing in and of itself. “Whoo! It felt so good to admit that… I guess I can move on now!” Not true. It’s comparable to not eating for 3 days, admitting your hunger, and expecting to magically feel full. Make sense? After identifying the truth, you have to do the most difficult part – convince yourself it’s okay and necessary to take action.

• Step 1 – Don’t let yourself off the hook: A great way to do this is by identifying a close and trusted friend or family member to keep you accountable. And guess what? If you happen to tell someone else, chances are they have “secretly” felt the same way and will be 100% on board with keeping you on the train to Self-Care City.
• Step 2 – Set an initial goal: Or, if you are like some of us here, add some reminders to your calendar or phone! Choose a date or time and tell yourself – “By then I hope to be taking better care of myself.” And stick with it! However, this is not something to shame yourself about if you fail to make your goal – don’t add more pressure to your life. We’ll talk about shame in a future blog post!

3) Determine what you need. This is the real world – a self-care strategy that works for one person might not work for someone else. Depending on what truth you realized for yourself – your self-care will look unique to you. 

• Step 1 – Make a two-sided list: On one side list the truths we talked about in number one. For example – I am tired, I am lonely, I don’t feel healthy, etc. Then, on the other side, put a few things you’d like to try to do to balance out that particular vacuum you are feeling. Some of our favorites here at the HER Shelter: 
  • Tired? – Find time to cancel something and take a nap. Have the partner put the kids to bed tonight and hit the hay early.
  • Lonely? – Call some friends and schedule a night out (and don’t worry about inconveniencing people or having to find a baby-sitter – you deserve this so do it).
  • Feeling unhealthy? – Wake up 15 minutes earlier and do a free yoga video on YouTube! Renew your gym membership and find a buddy to go with you. Change something in your diet.
  • Emotionally exhausted? – Let yourself watch an episode of your favorite show tonight. Don’t go to that random cousin’s birthday party and go somewhere relaxing instead. Try a mindfulness coloring book! Grab a friend and get your nails done!
  • Creatively stuffy? – Pick up a hobby! Paint! Build pallet furniture! Make a family YouTube video! Get an Instagram and take artsy photos!
  • And on and on and on! As one of our staff says often – “You do you booboo!” Seriously, if it makes you feel better, more stable, more rejuvenated, healthier – give it a shot!
  • Here’s a couple more ideas: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/ or http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-dempsey/women-and-selfcare-a-crit_b_11896758.html
• Step Two – Pick a few things, and try them out: Self-Care is all about you. Chances are, at first you will try something and it might turn out to not be your thing. Take me for example – I thought yoga would be something I’d love and it would make me feel great! Turns out, I am super inflexible and intense yoga mostly made my back hurt. But…..trying yoga led me to discovering how to meditate (and not the way you’re picturing). By meditate I mean just sitting, focusing on calm thoughts or a picture or a song or just nothing – and being content with the stillness, the peace or the silence. Most days at the HER Shelter are go-go-go, so for me a part of self-care was recognizing I needed to take the time to slow down, and find something calm in my day. So if you try painting but it doesn’t work for you – try something else! If you take naps and only feel more tired – try something else! If you call a friend but then they only drive you more crazy – try something else! In self-care, persistence is essential – YOU ARE IMPORTANT, AND SO IS YOUR MENTAL/PHYSICAL WELL-BEING!

4) Never ever, ever, ever, ever stop. The most important part of self-care is understanding that it is a life-long endeavor. You will change over the years – grow, mature, be shoved through change by experiences out of your control – and your self-care needs will change too. Ask an empty-nester, when they had kids they needed some calm amid the chaos of parenting; but when the kids all left home, they missed the chaos and needed some people to go out and find adventure with! Our lives are all different. Here at the HER Shelter, we have staff that come and go, seasons changes, and people move on. However, when they leave we do our best to make sure they are equipped with self-care strategies that will last them the rest of their lives. 

You matter.

You’re health matters.

Your condition matters.

So take matters into your own hands and take care of yourself.